Phaser Phantasy Phun Tyme

Log 4! 12/7/16
Ah man, What a Drag...on. Dragon.

This week’s adventure brought to you by <REDACTED>. Your number one source for <REDACTED>.

Scout’s Report 12/7/13.8X10^9>Rathael project>The Lowlands>R235 Flagged: Important

Please pardon my language, but what the ACTUAL FUCK is happening here. These people just do not operate on the level. I’m really just flabbergasted. What follows is the continuing observation of the party found in Phandelyn who I’m deciding to refer to as the Unlikelies, because they’ve pulled some OUTRIGHT unlikely maneuvers. I would suggest that we halt operations to monitor this groups actions. We wouldn’t want to get in the way of them.

I’m sorry Lil, but I’m not going to be super put together in this one. I have seen some shit.

So the Unlikelies left Rei’s camp to go find the dragon.. or the cultists. They tracked down the cultists, but not before Billy managed to pull some odd stunt with his crossbow which went a little something like he threw his crossbow into one zombie and it fired a bolt through the next one. (HOWTHEHELL?)

They moved on to the cultists farmhouse at the edge of town which they made a plan to infiltrate. I know what you’re thinking, ‘These cultists would fall for the “We’re New Recruits!” routine.’ GUESS AGAIN MY FIREND. They did, happily inviting the party inside. Next thing I was able to see they were taking a walk with a man who looked like he might be a leader. They walked into a field where there was a beautiful dwarves tiller. Broan repaired the machine which started whirring which I guess provided enough cover for Billy to stab this cultist straight through. The cultist then fell forward into the exposed pistons and he was for sure no more. Then Billy straight up stole his identity. He looked exactly like the man, which must have taken some doing cause Billy is a halfling and the cultist was human.

They walked back into the farm house. Emerging minutes later with five other cultists in line behind them. They marched right up to the dragon's tower where Billy told the cultists to "sacrifice the dragon onto itself." And the Unlikelies stood back and watched as these poor folks were ran through with the dragons claws in a single swipe.

Nyornd was the one who stepped foreword next. He told the dragon that they brought the cultists to the dragon so he could get rid of the nuisance himself. "Thanks dudes, My name is Ted Venomphang. Thanks for making my sweet digs sweeter by helping me get rid of those douchbags. Now I feel like staying in this tower for a long time." Nyornd tried to bargain to have Ted leave but he said he would only bestow not killing them in return.

Broan stepped forward and suggested a fiendish thing: “theres this castle to the south that has seven towers. Wouldn’t you like more towers?” The dragon thought that sounded like a great idea, as his tower was a little small to set up his DJ gear.

I have sent this information to D to see if he can allocate some defenses to make sure we don’t loose the Rockseeker brother.

The Dragon took off to find the castle and the Unlikelies took off to loot the tower to see what he left. the hoard amounted to some gold coins and a cool looking battle axe. They then went to Rei’s camp when Nyornd, Arranis, and Tair were inducted into the Emerald Enclave.

Next the Unlikelies traveled to Cragmaw’s Kaytetty Castle, beginning by scouting the castle for entrances and other features. These guys are really good at this. They entered in a hidden entrance on the side of the castle and snuck their way into castle. Next thing Billy is opening a door and immediately throwing an iron skillet at the hobgoblins in the room. Now he didn’t hit any of them, but who the hell does that? Then Broan combusted a curtain that one of the hob goblins was running towards, Nyornd fired an arrow and Arranis cast a spell that stopped him in his tracks where he was handily defeated. Then Arranis charmed the other who preceded to tell them every piece of relevant information.


When I caught up with them next Billy was once again barging through a door throwing a skillet, But this time it did hit something—a wolf who was standing beside a Drow woman. The wolf died. King Dave Grohl sat up cursing. I appeared that his leg was poorly amputated and had become infected.

I've lost, my cool.

Things happened so fast. Nyornd shot King Grohl in his Stump leg which was so cruel. the dude nearly passed out. Tair whispered something slightly racist about the Drow as they attacked them. The Drow missed and was hit with a number of attacks. King Grohl threw his sword at Nyornd but it missed and wedged into the door frame. Billy smashed in the Drow’s head with a crowbar. Did I mention that Billy has been drunk this entire time? Because he is. The Drow fell back and reverted back into a doppelganger.

King Grohl just started swearing but Broan stepped up and scared the shit our of him. Then Nyornd pulled the sword out of the door frame and held it to the King’s neck. He just cowered as they tied him up to the bed. They began interrogating the king about the Black Spider and his actions in Wave Echo Cave. Nyornd walked over to inspect this beautiful hand mirror that was sitting on a stand on the desk in the room, he couldn’t lift it out of the stand and when they looked into it everyone seemed super uncomfortable. Grohl became enraged when they questioned him about it.

Tair picked up the journal sitting on Grohl’s side table and after reading it motioned to billy to help them in another room. they returned with a beautiful looking comb that matched the mirror. Billy put it in his hair and a pulse of light came out of the mirror. They gave the mirror to Arranis as it was made of abalone shell and that seemed to suit him.

So overall these people are insane. Billy throwing cookery hither and yon, Nyornd shooting a poor bugbear in his infected stump leg, Broan persuading a dragon to move out with out any hesitation what so ever. I don’t know what do with these people other than to see how this plays out. I’m at such a loss for words. What the hell is happening?

I better get a pay increase for having to be in proximity of these folks. JK, more reports to come, I’m sure.

Over and out, H

Log 3! 11/30/16
or how my life got crowded out by a telepathic breakfast chef.

This week’s adventure is sponsored by the Dragon Sleeping Inns. “We’re everywhere, and if we aren’t yet, we will be soon.”


Scout’s Report 11/30/13.8X10^9>Rathael project>The Lowlands>R235.

Flagged: Important

We are monitoring a group that appears to have intersectional goals to ours. This is the party mentioned in M’s Report on the area yesterday.

This morning the party woke up to the news that their traveling partner Sildar Hallwinter’s informant Iarno Albrek has gone missing. Sildar believes that the RedBrand Bandits are responsible for the abduction.

The party used the secret entrance into the manor which I believe was found from the interrogation of a bandit the night before. upon entering this tunnel I became acutely aware of a telepathic communication from a proximal aberration located in this chamber. This Seemed to disturb the party, but they did not engage, what I found to be a Nothic, at this time.

They instead took a path up some stairs towards a barracks and common room. The Fighter, Tair, kicked the door open, which seems to have landed on one of the two bugbears interrogating a Goblin named Droop. The skirmish ended pretty swiftly with the ranger, Nyornd, dispatching the final bugbear with an expertly fired crossbow bolt. This Bugbear’s Head exploded. Everywhere. all the while the players, and even the walls were chanting, “More holes! More holes!” Droop said what I was thinking, “So much blood” 

Droop informed the party that he and the bugbears were sent by [[Cragmaw ‘Corporated]] to help GlassStaff with his population control in Phandelyn. Droop said he wasn’t allowed to know the path from the Castle but the bugbears knew. he also explained the layout of the next two rooms as best he could. Billy, The Rogue, got an eyepatch. and Tair found a master key.

The party went through the next door to find four bandits gambling. The party managed to convince them that they were new recruits. One Bandit outed themself as a kinky sub Type (I left your number Lil ;P). Billy joined the bandits in a game of liar’s Dice and gambled two rounds—failing fist and winning big second. By this time the other bandits were very drunk and all passed out. A quick scan showed that they had been poisoned.

The party moved on to the next door. Billy tried to stealthily open the door but alerted a rat familiar, which scurried off into the adjacent room. They entered what seemed to be an apothecary workshop. There was a setup to make invisibility potions. There was also a book about the history of Site #R235 “Wave Echo Cave” that Broan read and pocketed. 

In the next room stood GlassStaff prepared to battle the party, however he was instantly intimidated by an illusory succubus with a deer skull advancing towards him. He proceeded to spill the beans about everything he knows. He told us that The Black Spider was the one who sent droop and the bug bears. Also that he is a Drow, and that he is searching for Wave Echo Cave to find the “Forge Of Spells”. He revealed that GlassStaff was not his leagal name, that his name was truly Iarno Albrek, the very man they were told was missing by sildar this past morning. He gave some other information and made a huge ass of himself before telling “his guests” that he couldn’t let them leave here alive. 

The party incapacitated him handily. 

He, and the drunk bandits were taken to the town master for a reward. But not before the party decided to face the Nothic in the cavern. The Nothic revealed itself to be a fan of riddles (a unique trait) and to have a proficiency in making muesli. (This was some of the finest muesli I have ever tasted, Lil.) Arranis, the Druid, spouted a choice riddle that was breakfast themed which remarkably destroyed the Nothic, reducing it to no more than a pile of dust. The party looted the chest finding an ancient sword that had belong to a regional hero. In this short time they managed to line their pockets. 

As I said they turned the bounty in and got some gold and some mystic objects which seem to have hidden properties. 

They then headed out a ways to the Ruins of Thundertree to seek out the Emerald Enclave Druid, Rei. Thundertree is home to Twig Blights and zombies, both of which were easily dispatched by the party. In a small cottage in the south of the ruins that seemed better preserved than the others, the party met Rei, who welcomed them in despite being complete strangers in a town of zombies. (She’s real trusting.) She answered questions pertaining to the location of Cragmaw’s Kaytetty Castle and Wave Echo Cave. But did not reveal the location of Wave Echo Cave, instead offering to guide the party there if they took care of something for her. 

A dragon recently took roost in a tower at the edge of town, and some cultists have started worshiping it. She would like the dragon scared away for the safety of neighboring communities. The party agreed. 

I will draft a new report as events continue to transpire. 

Over and out,



Log 2! 11/23/16

Today’s adventure brought to you by Cragmaw ‘Coporated. When you think Kidnapping and Conniving, Think Cragmaw. 


We find our heroes walking towards the Cave mouth of Cragmaw Hideout. Arranis offered to stay with the Cart to make sure that it would be safe on the road alone. Inside of the cave we find a kennel of wolves, a long dark path, and an overpass with a goblin on it. 


The goblin goes to take a puff of his cigarette, and get this, as he inhales this huge burst of Sacred Flame takes the life right out of him. He falls off the overpass and floats gently into that forever sleep sea. About this time Arranis sees the body of a goblin float down stream as she approaches the cave and catches up with the party. 


After some dickering the two halflings, blind in the darkness, only able to see the faint light of torches filtering through the tunnel heading to the break room. As they approached they each snuck forward and tried to pop off a shot at The beefier goblin. Billy missed, catching the goblin’s attention who, to his  surprise, bumps the arrow out of the air. He says, “You best get out of here.” and Billy said “yeah, you’re right?” Nyornd did just about as well prompting the goblin to question if it was Oregon Country Fair season already. 


Tair approached this goblin and started a conversation. his name is Yeemik, and apparently the company he works for—Cragmaw ‘Coporated—recently hired a new Regional manager and relocated him here. Now, Yeemik was up for that promotion but got passed up. He said there's more than one way to move up in the world and things the party can help grease the bearings for him, if you know what he means. 


Billy went ahead to help yeemik make his corporate dreams happen. He managed to convince Klarg, the standing regional manager, that he was being promoted to the castle. He tells klarg to run up to the guard and say, "I'm here to kill the king!" That's the password. Klarg, a bug bear, takes off hooting and hollering towards his fate. 


The party returns to yeemik to report the good news and get some much needed info on gundren. Billy kills Yeemik. The party retrieves sildar and they venture forth to phandelyn. 




In phandelyn they return the cart to barthen for their money. then they go to the Inn. 


They learn about a wizard near a well, a band of bandits named the redbrands, a young dragon nearby, and some other local happenings. Oh and cragmaw castle. Quinn did too many voices and fucked up her ability to talk. She learned from this. There was a really forward Farmer who just started sharing information about something going on in town. Billy didn’t like this—This broke Billy. 


The party decides to go take a look at the other tavern, which turns out to be full of dicks wearing dumb red bandanas! they attacked the party, the party fought back. Quinn panicked, having doubled the difficulty of the encounter accidentally. the party dispatched the bandits, most of whom fled. Tair decided to interrogate one of the poor dudes who divulges the way into their hideout.


Whats going on in that sweet hideout? Is it a raging college party? There’s gonna be a final, for someone.. NEXT TIME ON PHASER PHANTASY PHUN TYME!

November, 16th 2016

First we made characters:

Nyornd—halfling ranger
Broan—hill dwarf cleric
Arranis—half elf Druid 
Tair—celestial fighter
Billy—halfling rogue

Our adventure starts with each of our Heroes discovering letters mysteriously addressed to them. They are told to meet someone named [[Gundren Rockseeker]] in Neverwinter at the Dragon Sleeping Inn to discuss a job. 

When the heroes rolled up to the spot they all did a strange job of trying to observe the room and see what's going on. Nyornd jumped one inch in an attempt to clear 12 feet. Arranis made a stealth roll that everyone saw but they seemed to feel confident and everyone else managed to basically be a normal person in a bar. They find Gundren, a well dressed dwarven man, at a table on the second floor loft. Broan tried to smoothly pull out a chair but made a good deal of noise. 

He tells the heroes that he will pay them to transport some goods to Phandelyn a day and a half's ride away. He is heading out this evening to get some business attended to. He will be traveling with  [[Sildar Hallwinter]]. Our heroes introduce themselves (Arranis did not) and ready for the morning journey. They take the cart from the stables and set out in the high road.  

Half a day in they spot some goblins looting  some dead horses 50ft ahead of them. The party ties off their wagon and then begins conflict with them. Nyornd misses a few shots. Broan touches one and it is purged from existence. Tair finds hidden goblins in the woods and manages to banish one goblin from this plane and destroys the other while it was trying to escape the scene. 

Billy inspects the horses and finds remnants of Gundren's clothes and a trail that looks like it is used frequently by the goblins for ambushes. 

Where does this goblin trail lead? What happened to Gundren and Sildar? Tune in next week to Phaser!



[[B.B. King]] is in world, he is the king of battle brook, he has a great rock n roll band. 

stationary trees, leaves of envelopes and letter heads, also don’t move in wind. 

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