This week’s adventure brought to you by <REDACTED>. Your number one source for <REDACTED>.
Scout’s Report 12/7/13.8X10^9>Rathael project>The Lowlands>R235 Flagged: Important
Please pardon my language, but what the ACTUAL FUCK is happening here. These people just do not operate on the level. I’m really just flabbergasted. What follows is the continuing observation of the party found in Phandelyn who I’m deciding to refer to as the Unlikelies, because they’ve pulled some OUTRIGHT unlikely maneuvers. I would suggest that we halt operations to monitor this groups actions. We wouldn’t want to get in the way of them.
I’m sorry Lil, but I’m not going to be super put together in this one. I have seen some shit.
So the Unlikelies left Rei’s camp to go find the dragon.. or the cultists. They tracked down the cultists, but not before Billy managed to pull some odd stunt with his crossbow which went a little something like he threw his crossbow into one zombie and it fired a bolt through the next one. (HOWTHEHELL?)
They moved on to the cultists farmhouse at the edge of town which they made a plan to infiltrate. I know what you’re thinking, ‘These cultists would fall for the “We’re New Recruits!” routine.’ GUESS AGAIN MY FIREND. They did, happily inviting the party inside. Next thing I was able to see they were taking a walk with a man who looked like he might be a leader. They walked into a field where there was a beautiful dwarves tiller. Broan repaired the machine which started whirring which I guess provided enough cover for Billy to stab this cultist straight through. The cultist then fell forward into the exposed pistons and he was for sure no more. Then Billy straight up stole his identity. He looked exactly like the man, which must have taken some doing cause Billy is a halfling and the cultist was human.
They walked back into the farm house. Emerging minutes later with five other cultists in line behind them. They marched right up to the dragon's tower where Billy told the cultists to "sacrifice the dragon onto itself." And the Unlikelies stood back and watched as these poor folks were ran through with the dragons claws in a single swipe.
Nyornd was the one who stepped foreword next. He told the dragon that they brought the cultists to the dragon so he could get rid of the nuisance himself. "Thanks dudes, My name is Ted Venomphang. Thanks for making my sweet digs sweeter by helping me get rid of those douchbags. Now I feel like staying in this tower for a long time." Nyornd tried to bargain to have Ted leave but he said he would only bestow not killing them in return.
Broan stepped forward and suggested a fiendish thing: “theres this castle to the south that has seven towers. Wouldn’t you like more towers?” The dragon thought that sounded like a great idea, as his tower was a little small to set up his DJ gear.
I have sent this information to D to see if he can allocate some defenses to make sure we don’t loose the Rockseeker brother.
The Dragon took off to find the castle and the Unlikelies took off to loot the tower to see what he left. the hoard amounted to some gold coins and a cool looking battle axe. They then went to Rei’s camp when Nyornd, Arranis, and Tair were inducted into the Emerald Enclave.
Next the Unlikelies traveled to Cragmaw’s Kaytetty Castle, beginning by scouting the castle for entrances and other features. These guys are really good at this. They entered in a hidden entrance on the side of the castle and snuck their way into castle. Next thing Billy is opening a door and immediately throwing an iron skillet at the hobgoblins in the room. Now he didn’t hit any of them, but who the hell does that? Then Broan combusted a curtain that one of the hob goblins was running towards, Nyornd fired an arrow and Arranis cast a spell that stopped him in his tracks where he was handily defeated. Then Arranis charmed the other who preceded to tell them every piece of relevant information.
AND THEN A CROW ATTACKED ME.
When I caught up with them next Billy was once again barging through a door throwing a skillet, But this time it did hit something—a wolf who was standing beside a Drow woman. The wolf died. King Dave Grohl sat up cursing. I appeared that his leg was poorly amputated and had become infected.
I've lost, my cool.
Things happened so fast. Nyornd shot King Grohl in his Stump leg which was so cruel. the dude nearly passed out. Tair whispered something slightly racist about the Drow as they attacked them. The Drow missed and was hit with a number of attacks. King Grohl threw his sword at Nyornd but it missed and wedged into the door frame. Billy smashed in the Drow’s head with a crowbar. Did I mention that Billy has been drunk this entire time? Because he is. The Drow fell back and reverted back into a doppelganger.
King Grohl just started swearing but Broan stepped up and scared the shit our of him. Then Nyornd pulled the sword out of the door frame and held it to the King’s neck. He just cowered as they tied him up to the bed. They began interrogating the king about the Black Spider and his actions in Wave Echo Cave. Nyornd walked over to inspect this beautiful hand mirror that was sitting on a stand on the desk in the room, he couldn’t lift it out of the stand and when they looked into it everyone seemed super uncomfortable. Grohl became enraged when they questioned him about it.
Tair picked up the journal sitting on Grohl’s side table and after reading it motioned to billy to help them in another room. they returned with a beautiful looking comb that matched the mirror. Billy put it in his hair and a pulse of light came out of the mirror. They gave the mirror to Arranis as it was made of abalone shell and that seemed to suit him.
So overall these people are insane. Billy throwing cookery hither and yon, Nyornd shooting a poor bugbear in his infected stump leg, Broan persuading a dragon to move out with out any hesitation what so ever. I don’t know what do with these people other than to see how this plays out. I’m at such a loss for words. What the hell is happening?
I better get a pay increase for having to be in proximity of these folks. JK, more reports to come, I’m sure.
Over and out, H